One week…

I can see my medication doctor at County Mental Health on the 28th, no sooner. Hopefully, she’ll prescribe me some benzodiazepines of some kind for the panic attacks I’ve been having.

I got some Somas, which means I won’t be drinking for a bit, because they interact with each other. But I haven’t felt like going out anyway, and drinking at home is kind of dull and just makes me feel barfy.

Since my medication isn’t working as well now, I’ve been having psychotic symptoms such as:

• my body parts seem to be different sizes, or made of hard materials like stone or metal
• I feel like something is forcing me to have “evil” thoughts/putting thoughts into my head
• I think real things are in dreams and dream things are real
• Solid objects seem to be soft or transparent
• I have violent visions of myself doing things to people around me
• Random whispering voices and impulses

I have tried telling the person on the crisis line about this, and she told me I shouldn’t come to the hospitalization unit because, “You wouldn’t like it; there are psychotic people there.” REALLY?

So, for the past week, because I can’t get any medication to make my psychotic symptoms go away, and because they won’t take me to inpatient to make sure I won’t hurt myself or anyone else, I end up drinking. When I am drunk, the somatic sensations aren’t as obvious, and the weird thoughts are easier to push away. I know it isn’t a good long-term strategy, but it’s either that or I end up jumping down a flight of stairs or stabbing my boyfriend to death.

I guess the reason I’m making posts here and on Facebook is because I want people to know that the system is failing me. I spent months monitoring my alcohol intake, taking my medication on time, going to therapy, and following instructions, and I’m asking for help, and calling people during crises instead of acting out, and NONE OF IT IS HELPING.

I feel trapped. I know that my life is great when I’m not having symptoms. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. I don’t just sit around feeling bad. But now I’m a shut-in and my own brain wants me to give up and die. I really don’t know what I’m going to do for the next week.

GOTDAM i went to urgent care because i was having chest pain from a panic attack and they gave me buspar and the warning for buspar is like “CALL A DR IF U HAVE CHEST PAIN IT COULD BE SERIOUS”

thank you, thank you ever so much, urgent care

oldmanhoho:

you know you’ve made a good pun when everyones immediate response upon hearing it is “shut the fuck up”

I really hope Yahoo doesn’t start banning porn…

ronaldmael:

theavantgarden:

And pictures of weed and stuff. That’s one of my favourite parts of Tumblr. How risqué it can be. ;)

OH WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT PICTURES OF WEED OR PORN, WHERE WILL WE GO TO FIND SUCH RISQUE THINGS ON THE INTERNET? WHAT IS THIS HELL WORLD?

dorkstrider:

dorkstrider:

what if egyptians drew rage comics on the walls of pyramids

unimpressed2chainz:

on my way home from work i was sitting next to these white girls singing all gold everything and when they got to the chorus they got upset b/c apparently me sitting there prevented them from saying the n-word anyway i don’t like white girls that was the point of this story 

noir-prince:

nanobutts:

you can be feminine and wear your stupid-ass patched denim jackets and ugly neon fishnets but stop calling yourself femme unless youre a lesbian

how about you just sit in the corner in a time out

“femme” belongs to all queers

your reasoning is bullshit and exclusionary and vaguely monosexist/cissexist

be quiet forever

I guess as a gay transman I’m not femme because femme is only for lesbians L O L

Thank you tumblr user nanobutts for showing me the light about my identity

(Source: theymightbeyonce)

richwhitelesbian:

yea i have a real girlfriend. her names… mysterious. mysterious blood pyramid. she goes to a different school